There has been an unexpected but incredible outcome of committing myself to doing this Miss BC Pageant - diving into deep reflection. Deeper than I have already been doing. And I know that I am just barely scratching the surface.
It is partially why I have been somewhat MIA on this account recently - there has been a flooding in of thoughts, realizations, and emotions that have kept me in a space of needing to be with myself before I can try articulating what’s been going on. I honestly was not anticipating this, especially the deep dive in the last two days, and I feel both exhilarated but also utterly depleted.
As you (the general “you” encompassing “me”) begin this process of gradually removing each of the thousands of blinders you have had on, maybe knowingly and definitely unknowingly, over the course of your life, be prepared for pain. Be prepared to feel agonizing pain as these gut-wrenching realizations hit you. Be prepared to feel deep sadness and grief. Be prepared to feel hollow. And then embrace that all this is happening because it is in that hollowness that you have now made space to fill yourself with divine truth.
Yesterday, as I was swirling around in this Holy Shit Moment of receiving some heavy truth bombs, I picked up my phone to text my husband. This jumble of words shows how nearly impossible it was to articulate what I was experiencing in that moment. It makes no sense to anyone outside of me, but I am going to leave it here so that I do not forget this moment in time when the change I have been yearning for all my life finally started to happen.
This is what I sent him:
“T𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘦𝘭𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪 𝘢𝘮 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘧 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘵 - 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵, 𝘪 𝘢𝘮 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘪’𝘮 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘱, 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘳𝘶𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘮𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘤 𝘪𝘴 𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘤𝘳𝘶𝘮𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘴𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘥 𝘶𝘱 𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘩 - 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘧 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘻𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘦, 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘶𝘱 𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 ....𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵’𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘤𝘶𝘵𝘦 𝘢 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘵, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵. 𝘪’𝘮 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘻𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘪’𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯. 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘢 𝘯𝘦𝘤𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘪’𝘷𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘪 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦. 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘪’𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵 𝘴𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘵 𝘶𝘯𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘦. 𝘮𝘢𝘯, 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦.”
To be continued...but who knows when!
Much learning, reflecting, and writing to do.