Grief Is Calling
P R E P A R A T I O N
content warning: suicide
This is a month of preparation for me.
Apart from being a bit MIA due to oppressive fatigue, I am taking time to mentally and emotionally prepare for the end of this month.
When I was young, the first of March signalled the exciting start of planning for my birthday celebrations. While that dwindled down the older I got, March still had the association of being my birthday month.
Last year, two days after my birthday, a time that I typically spend turning inwards and reflecting on my growth and where I need to go, I heard the worst words imaginable and fell to the floor screaming.
I will never forget that soul-crushing, mind-numbing, viscerally painful moment of being told that my youngest cousin had ended his life by suicide.
One year later, approaching his first death anniversary, there is much that I need to prepare myself for. It's hard to make you understand why this is such a complex moment in time for me because I don't have it in me yet to go into the chaos and trauma that unfolded following his death, but there exists a whole host of messy emotions beyond just the grief that are tied into this period of time that we're about to enter.
So I'm taking time. I'm holding space for myself. I am speaking to support. I am planning. And soon I need to start writing.
It will soon be time for me to begin unpacking this trauma with my words so that I can finally have some release.