Don't Go To Bed Angry
I have been in an emotional and mental funk.
It has been three days since I've spoken to my husband. Three days since me texting him "I love you" prompted him telling me that my love for him is overwhelming. Three days spent thinking, reflecting, and questioning, on top of struggling with a particularly rough period of heightened pain and fatigue.
I am exhausted. I am exhausted of being here, in this place of uncertainty in my relationship. I am exhausted of feeling like I'm finally stepping into a territory of more light and hope, only to be kicked back into the confusing darkness. I am just really fucking exhausted of having to deal with what feels like the millions of different ways that this chronic disease has changed our dynamic, changed him, changed me, changed everything.
For most of my life, I was the one who wanted to deal with the problem right then and there. But the older I've gotten and the more battles I've been through, the more I have stepped back and retreated into silence. Because...can I really begin to solve a problem if I'm reeling with pain, sadness, and hurt? Do I actually have the capacity to respond in a constructive way if I'm in a reactive state? And when my emotions are screaming at me, am I truly able to listen to him and understand what's happening for him behind the words?
And while everyone says "don't go to bed angry", with the implication that you need to hash it out and deal with it as soon as possible, I don't agree with it anymore. It may work for you, but it doesn't work for me.
I need time to hold space for my emotions and thoughts since no one else in this relationship is able to right now. I need to figure out how to move myself from a negative headspace into one where I can listen, understand, and approach him with loving kindness and compassion. Because I still have to acknowledge that at least he shared how he was feeling, and that is a big deal if you know him. I don't want the takeaway to be that it's not safe for him to open up about his emotions. So I need to reach a place of being able to listen and understand first.
And three days in, I don't think I'm there just yet.